In the Midst of My Struggle, I Found My Lord

A Journey of Pain, Patience, and Trust in Allah's Mercy

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Photo by Muhammad Amaan on Unsplash

Bismillah.

I'm currently passing through a test from Allah.

And though it weighs heavy on my chest, though it brings pain and uneasiness, Alhamdulillah, it is drawing me closer to Him.

It is not easy.

There are days when the pain grips my chest so fiercely — anxiety floods my heart, my body aches with fatigue, and I sit alone in silence, crying.

But I was crying only over my pain, not raising my hands to seek Allah’s help.

I was deceived by shaytan, who whispered: Stay silent. Stay alone. Don’t reach out.

Yet when I sat among the people who love me — those who remind me of Allah — I found a peace I cannot explain.

I found hope blooming even inside the cracks of my brokenness.

I can never thank Allah enough for His love.

I was lost in sorrow, drowning in pain, trying to carry myself alone...

But Allah, in His mercy, was carrying me all along.

Yes, I am still struggling.

Yes, there is still pain.

But deep inside my heart, a flicker of hope refuses to die.

I don't even know anymore whether I have reached my "lowest point" —

every time I think I have, a new test comes.

But with every new test, comes a new nearness to Allah.

And I know — whether I see relief in this world or not — there will be a happy ending.

If not here, then surely in the Hereafter, where every pain will melt into everlasting joy.

I was wrong for most of my life — these 19 years (18 years and 8 months) — chasing the pleasures of this dunya, trying to secure my future with grades, jobs, comforts, thinking I could build a life with my own hands.

But life is not built by our hands — it is written by Allah.

And I was running against His decree without even knowing.

He could have left me. He could have abandoned me to the false promises of this world.

But He loved me instead.

He sent me tests that shattered my illusions.

He shook the ground beneath my feet so I could learn to stand only by leaning on Him.

He took away my health, my ease, my worldly comfort —

but through it all, He gave me something greater: the comfort of the soul, the nearness of the heart to its Creator.

Alhamdulillah for the tests that bring us back.

Alhamdulillah for the pains that save our hearts from loving this temporary world too much.

I don’t know what the future holds.

I don’t know if I will find worldly success, if I will ever live a life of ease again.

Maybe my entire future will be full of struggles.

Maybe my dreams will stay unanswered here.

But I was never created for this life.

And if the rest of my life on this earth is covered in darkness and hardship —

even if I walk it empty-handed, heartbroken, tired —

I still say, Alhamdulillah.

Because the real life, the true life, is waiting ahead — and it is more beautiful than anything my heart could ever imagine.

We desire life — but I pray to be among those who desire death only to meet their Lord.

To return to Allah with a heart full of longing, trembling with hope and fear.

I don’t know whether my deeds will be enough.

I don’t know if I have done enough to stand before Allah.

But Allah knows what I do not.

And I trust Him with my future, with my soul, with my everything.

At the right time, the right things will happen — by His mercy, not my striving.

There are moments when I feel like I am barely holding on — when I question myself, wondering if I’m doing enough. I struggle to surrender completely, trying to learn how to trust Allah fully, to place my heart in His hands.

Every part of me aches with the desire to grow closer to Him, but sometimes the weight of the world clouds my ability to surrender. I fight with myself — trying to let go of control, trying to accept that He alone is the source of all guidance, all strength, and all relief.

I feel as though I'm trapped between my own efforts and the realization that it's only through Allah’s mercy that I can truly change, that I can find peace.

This journey — the striving, the striving against my own weaknesses, against my own impatience — is not easy. But I push forward, even when my heart feels heavy with doubts, because I know that every step towards Him, no matter how small, is a step towards healing, towards light.

I try to practice tawakkul (trust in Allah), but it is difficult. Sometimes it feels like I’m stumbling, trying to surrender my worries, my fears, my desires, but still clinging to them in a way I don’t want. But with every test, I am reminded: I cannot do this alone. Only He can make me whole.

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May Allah bless all of us with His forgiveness, His love, and His Jannah.

May He not leave us to ourselves even for the blink of an eye.

May He gather us all among those He loves, among those who walk into Paradise hand in hand.

Ameen.

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